I've enjoyed every moment I've had with Charlotte. I've loved our lazy mornings and day time adventures. Our nights with endless time to read books together.
I've loved watching her grow and learn. I still can't believe I have a walker on my hands! My baby girl is so sweet, loves to give kisses and cuddle.
I am fearful that I won't take as much time to savor the little things when I get busy being back at work. I'm fearful that Charlotte will not have the same attachment to me that she does now. I'm afraid ill just turn into the lady that drops her off at daycare in the morning and puts her to bed at night, not her awesome mommy!
My goal is to remember to make time for the little things and savor those moments. To make everyday fun, and not to get caught up in the rush of being busy and everyday life. I will try not to fret when I forget to pack something for daycare, or get upset when I'm late for work because Charlotte spilled milk on me. I will try not to rush through the bedtime routine because I'm exhausted. I will remember that one more book is worth losing the extra sleep.
I've made time this summer to do fun adult things as well. When I'm happy I'm a better mom. This will be much harder when I go back to work. When I get to spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week with Charlotte, I don't feel guilty or bad or like I'm missing something when i go out for three hours one night. I think it will be be too hard for me to continue that once I'm missing everything all day long. How do parents balance work, spending time with their amazing kids and making time for themselves?
I hate change. I hate not getting what I want. I know it's awful, but I'm working on being less selfish. I know that I can't have everything that I want but I still yearn for it. Charlotte will never be this age again, and I hate having to miss it.
Some days I go to sleep and pray that when I wake up this will all be a dream, that I won't have to go to work or deal with anything in the real world. I dream that I can just exist. Just live the life I want to live and not the life I have to live. I dream that I'll win the lottery and I can stay at home with Charlotte for as long as I want.
Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful to have a job, most people aren't as lucky as I am. It's important to remember the things I am grateful for in life. I am happy that I am smart and capable and able to provide Charlotte with a fullfilling life. In the end that's what matters most.
Knowing I'm lucky and fortunate doesn't make it any easy though. I've had so many changes in the last year, so much stress, so much heartache, but this summer has been a god send. I've been able to do the things I want to do, I am so so grateful for the time I've had. It's important for me to focus on the good things, I have a lot to look forward to, and with my new job, it will be the first time since graduating I won't be working Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas, ill have a whole week off in winter, a whole week in spring and before I know it summertime will be here again and Charlotte and I will start a whole new series of summer time adventures.
It's also important for me to remind myself that there are plenty of GREAT AMAZING moms out there that do work. For some reason I'm stuck in a loop, where I think I need to be a stay at home mom to be a great mom, but here's the thing, two months ago I was a working mom and was fucking amazing at it! It's important to remind myself that even though I have to work to provide for Charlotte, I can still be that fucking amazing mom.
I guess the hardest part is that she will never be this age again, I will never watch her learn to walk or talk or feed herself again. I wish their was a way to bottle up her kisses and baby talk and sweet chubby cheeks, so that I could take it with me wherever I go. The good news is that I feel like that is normal, and even stay at home moms wish for that too.
So, as I've done before when I'm feeling a certain type of way, I make a gratitude list, it always helps and I recommend it to anyone and everyone.
*charlotte
*fun day at the zoo
*diet coke
*running baby
*charlotte kisses
*charlotte cuddles
*touch and feel books
*friends
*friends, esp Amanda who walked Charlotte around the store so I could make my purchase without her screaming (seriously, god forbid I don't let Charlotte walk for two minutes haha)
*new hairspray
*a great weekend and a fun night out at hibachi
*two great jobs that pay me and treat me well
*mommy friends that have me and Charlotte over for an amazing dinner I didn't have to cook
*family, esp GG and Jenna who always hang out with me and Charlotte
*two months of sleeping in, baby kisses and cuddles non stop
*a roku box and hbo go
*a roof over my head
*food in my stomach (particularly the Mexican pizza haha)
*a baby sleeping soundly
*a bed to sleep on
*my iPhone to blog from and stay in contact with the world
*baby food pouches (seriously grateful to whoever invented those)
*stick stickley
*BB cream and mascara for making me look presentable in five minutes
*baby pools
*wegmans mini peanut butter pie
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