Well, I haven't been able to post as often as I would like to these days, but I'm working on it. Currently I am overwhelmed and exhausted. That kind o sums up how I am feeling every nine out of ten days.
Some days I am overwhelmed and exhausted in a good way. Some days not so much. Today I am feeling a little down, even though Lotte and I had a great weekend. Sometimes I just don't have everything together. I try very hard to be an exceptional mom and make sure everything goes well and perfect for Lotte, and sometimes I forget something and things don't go as planned and I beat myself up about it.
My new goal is to move on from that. To remind myself everyday that she has a roof overhead, food in her tummy, clothes on her back and is usually a very happy baby, so she and I are more lucky then most people.
I am lucky that people always offer to help. I have to learn to let them help. The problem is I don't really know what I need help with. The things I want help with are superficial things, not Lotte help for the most part. For instance I want someone to take my trash out, better yet, take my cans to the curb for me. I also would like help in the middle of the night or the mornings.
For the most part I have come to terms with being on my own, but at three am when your baby is screaming in your face, it is very lonely. That's when I need help. It would be nice to have someone there to pat my back and tell me I'm doing a good job, or at least someone to wake up and lose sleep so I don't feel like the only one up every two hours every night. I know it's selfish, but I would feel better knowing I wasn't suffering alone hahaha.
Mornings are also hard and that's another time I'd like help. I have no freaking clue how people do it everyday! Anytime I see a working mother I want to high five her and tell her she is fucking awesome. It is really hard to get a baby dressed and ready, get yourself dressed and ready, babies bag packed and bottles made, breast pump organized and ice packs ready to go, work stuff ready, lunch packed and get to daycare and then work on time. It sounds so easy - put clothes on, grab some things, get into the care and go- , and it makes no sense to me why it is so difficult. And now that it is winter, it's even harder. I swear I am always losing a sock, or a mitten or a hat, and why the heck are baby coats so hard to put on? One poop emergency and being on time is out of the question!
I think what I need to work on is self care. I am either working or doing everything for Lotte. Even when Adam or my mom has the baby, I am at home cleaning the house, or doing laundry, or sorting out the clothes that don't fit her, making her baby food, writing notes for work, grocery shopping, running errands. It is sort of out of control.
The problem I find is that I really don't have anything to do when shes not here with me other then catch up on those things I've been to busy to do. And even though it is nice to get those things done without hassle, I miss her. My goal is to work on doing fun things when she isn't here. This weekend is going to be a great start. Adam is going to watch her Friday so I can go dancing for my bestie Pamela's birthday! It should be really fun! So my goal is to start doing more fun things for myself (I feel like this will be the hardest challenge yet, but I'm going to work on it)
My other goal is to do something fun every weekend with Lotte. This weekend we went to the inner harbor, it was Lotte's first time! I love walking around the inner harbor. It is always so much fun. Pushing Lotte around was great, and I was happy to get out and about and enjoy the nice weather before it disappears again. On Sunday Lotte and I went out again on another walk to enjoy the weather. It was so nice this weekend. I freaking hate winter. As soon as Christmas is over, I think it should be summer again. February is my least favorite month.
My little cutie always makes me smile! I love looking at her pictures! I think the main reason I am feeling overwhelmed and exhausted is lack of sleep.
Lotte's sleeping is getting worse and worse! Every two hours she is awake and eating and fussing. By the time I get her back to sleep I only get about an hour or so of sleep. I have no idea how to fix this. The doctor doesn't seem as worried as me, but then again he is sleeping peacefully at his house lol!
I just got the book by the "sleep lady". I am hoping to read it ASAP. I am also hoping it helps. I like that it doesn't use the cry it out method. For some reason I have a really hard time just letting my child scream and scream and scream without helping her in anyway shape or form. It is also written by an LCSW-C, so I trust her.
If this book works, I am going to write the most amazing review ever. I would do almost anything, and I mean anything for some sleep. Five hours in a row would be ideal, so cross your fingers everyone! I will keep you posted!
I should also apologize for the long complainy post about my life. Overall my life is pretty great, and I am wayyyy more lucky then most. I should end by working on a gratitude list. I keep seeing everyone on Facebook posting what they are thankful for everyday and I should join that spirit, it is November after all!
Thinks Im thankful for today:
1. Lotte...duh.
2. Finding Lotte & Holden (who will be here ANY DAY) adorable matching Thanksgiving outfits in their sizes!
3. Sunday Secrets and new Dexter, which are little indulgences I have on Sundays that I really enjoy
4. Amazing weather for amazing walking with Lotte
5. My mom, for always helping with everything, esp when it is Lotte related
6. Being one of the few Americans that doesn't have to constantly stress about money, between me, Adam and her GG, Lotte will clearly never ever want for anything, and that I am incredibly grateful for.
7. My yummy dinner
More gratitude lists every time I post!
