Baby babble

There are several different charlottes! She is a different baby in the morning, afternoon, evening and night!

One of the things I love most is her baby babble. In the early mornings and late at night (8:30 tonight lol) just before she goes to bed or right after she wakes up and we are cuddling she does her baby babble in her sweet sweet voice. This baby babble is different from daytime, afternoon, evening babble. It's special babble in her sweet voice. It is one of the few things that make the entire world disappear for me.

When I am old and lonely and she is off curing cancer and being awesome, I will look back on these moments and my heart will melt all over. These memories we are making will warm me on cold nights, they will be sunshine on my face during rainy days and when I feel like the weight of the world is crushing me they will lift me up.

Little fingers

What has Charlotte been up to you ask? Well she is, as always, a busy baby! She is growing and changing everyday, don't blink because you might miss it!

It was a short work week which was nice! I had off Monday for Presidents' Day! On Monday we got some errands and laundry done and walked down to the park to see all of her baby friends.

Charlotte and I are so lucky to live in such a great neighborhood! I love all the fun things to do around the area, including the library we can walk to and the neighbors are great! It was been very awesome to have a group of other parents for me to be able to talk with and babies for Charlotte to socialize with! When she was Doug her very slow crawl that barely for her anywhere we went to a music program at the library, and one of her other baby friends was crawling like crazy, I saw lotte watching and the next day she took off!

The week went by quickly which was nice. Lotte has been sleeping a little better, I have gotten so many helpful advice and hints! I think the best tip is to start early in the night! Lotte is so active and hates sleeping, I think she just needs more wind down time. She still gets up between 3:30-4:30 every morning but Ill take what I can get. I find I can get through the days easier when I celebrate the small wins :)

I love being able to work and support myself and Charlotte, I am thankful that I have a professional license, skillet and a great education, I know that I will always be able to provide the essentials for my little one (and hopefully a little more), but I'll tell you something, I work for the weekends and evenings now. I can't wait until I get home and get to see this face and really cherish the time I get to spend with her.

We had so much fun this weekend! Friday I went out with my friends later in the evening. It was nice to be able to give her dinner, playtime, bath and put her to bed before I went out. While I was gone she basically slept, which is nice, I hate missing things, and feel guilty when I leave her.

Saturday we had a fun day! We enjoyed swim class and lunch out. GG and mom mom came to watch her swim and took us to Friendly's for lunch. As usual Charlotte did great! She loves the water and loves being out!

Today we went on a trip to ikea to buy some stuff for the playroom I'm working on! It was so fun, she loves being out and about. She is a very thoughtful baby and really spends time taking in her surroundings! She always enjoys eating out because I give her some of my food. She loves trying whatever the adults around her are eating! The best news is that I found an awesome storage bench I wanted in the "as is" section of ikea! It was the display model so it has some scratches but its for a play room and it was cheap and already assembled! Another small win for me to relish in.

Charlotte was battling a fever this afternoon though. Tylenol really helped her out, but she was so lethargic and did her really sad pathetic cry every time I put her down! It's a good thing she is tiny, my arms only minimally hurt hahah! She is resting now, and I hope it is an easy night and my sweet angel is feeling better tomorrow!

Charlotte has gotten great with her pincer grasp! She is a pro! She still loves to put things into baskets and boxes and take them out. Peekaboo is her favorite game and will crack up every time. The best is when I hide under a blanket, she is so smart she will lift the blanket up to find me! I know I've posted about this before, but why do baby's fingernails grow so fast!?!? It is so hard to cut them now by myself because she is so squirmy, but I'm getting good at it! She is a crawling maniac and will follow me around the house! She is getting into everything but I love to watch her explore. She can drink juice by herself out of a sippy cup and feed herself finger foods and snacks. She has grown so so much! I am lucky she is so happy and healthy, I pray everyday I am doing a good job and giving her the best life I can. I am more thankful and proud of my little girl than anyone will ever know. I am very thankful god answered my prayers and blessed me with Charlotte.

Quick post

I am battling some sort of stomach virus I think. My health has really fine downhill since I started working at an elementary school!

Lotte is awake and going full force so my plan to get some rest has failed miserably! Lotte and I completed another one of 101 things this weekend! We went to the zoo!

It was super fun! She road a train and saw lots of animals! The monkey house was her favorite lol

We had so much fun we bought a student membership! We can go all year together now and it was only $35!! What a bargain! We may even go back this weekend! It was so much fun in the winter, the animals were everywhere and active! It was great bc there were not a lot of ppl there so we got up close at every exhibit and we road the giant tree slide together a million times haha

This is the last weekend for the winter prices! Only $8.25 for adults, regular price is $16.50! Our $35 membership is such a bargain! Free all year!! Yay!!

Restless nights

So I am blogging to you at 3:00 am. What a time to start the day lol, Charlotte is up playing already! Charlotte is eight months old and still having sleep trouble. For awhile there things were great she was sleeping from 12-4:30 every night! It was amazing!!!

Well then she got too smart for her own good! She learned to stand up in her crib. Her mattress was high and I did not feel safe with her in there because she was leaning over so much it was only a matter of time before she fell right out. Anyway I didn't have to the tools to lower it right away so I had to wait until Adam had time to bring over his tools and work on it. Well in the meantime she slept in the pack and play and I feel like her sleep has been thrown off since then.

So the main problem I have is: it appears she doesn't want to sleep...at all...ever.

Basic routine is food, bath, book, cuddles, bed. She has been refusing sleep in her crib, she screams and screams and screams like she is being murdered if she is laid down in there. It kills me every time, but I continue on with sleep training, in fact the other night I ended up falling asleep in the rocker next to her bed and slept there for the three hours lotte slept, boy did my back hurt lol. It has been getting harder and harder to get her to sleep, tonight she did not fall asleep in her crib until after midnight and she awoke at two am screaming.

Tonight was esp horribly, she just did not want to go to sleep she kept moving around and climbing and then screaming and fussing when she was put in her crib to sleep. She is hard to settle down at night, we usually do some cuddles and stories and quiet time to settle down and that usually is very helpful as a wind down period but lately it just amps her up even more. She wants to play and laugh and crawl and pull down everything on every shelf lol, which is fine just not at ten pm when it's time for bed lol.

So basically I have no idea what to do next. I am looking for any sage advice, wisdom, tips, tricks, ideas!!!

First let me say I have not and will not use the cry it out method. A) I have read many articles about leaving a baby in a crib to cry and attachment as well as several studies regarding the toxic stress from it and the life long neurological effects on the baby including long term developmental delays from the amount of cortisol released B) Every pediatrician she has been to, does not recommend the pure cry it out method and C) I think it is mean.

I think crying it out could work for kids who can cry it out and go to sleep quickly, this kid can cry and cry for hours at a time without falling asleep.

What I have been trying is letting her cry but leaving for small increments. She still knows I'm there, I pat her, sit by her crib etc, singing to her really helps and then I wean her off the amount of time I give her. That is what used to be working but it is failing me. I feel like I shouldn't be spending over two hours getting her to close her eyes.

Things Im doing include: ensuring no naps after 4:00pm, making sure she has a full tummy before bed, comfortable pajamas(she actually prefers just sleeping in a diaper so we've been doing that)

My biggest concern is about leaving her alone in the room while she's screaming, even though the crib is lowered she can still stand up, and she moves around a lot while crying, once she stuck her leg through the slats and I had to unstick it for her.

I got the breathable bumpers for the crib because I know the others are dangerous but she learned how to remove them and use them for support in standing up so those had to go.

I don't have a video monitor so I worry about her hurting herself when I'm not in there and she's throwing her tantrums. Also she really sleeps better without Jammie's and just a diaper, it has been so helpful, but now my amazingly smart human learned how to take her diaper off, which she does frequently and she thinks is hilarious, lol!

So those are my concerns, she's amped up, just wants to play and climb and play and hang out! (Also FYI, she will rarely do this in her crib til she falls asleep when I'm not in the room. As soon as I sit her in that crib the wailing begins)

Any advice or thoughts or tips and tricks would be appreciated. I feel like a horrible horrible mom. I try so hard and I'm getting no where and like I said the middle of the nights are the loneliest and hardest. It's just me and Lots so I want to make it work, she needs her rest and I'm a much better mom when I get more then a few hours sleep lol!

Message me, email me, text me! Also as a side note, Lotte went to the docs on Monday, she is fine but has a little cold but is otherwise fine. I am keeping a detailed food/poop log for the doctor to see if there is a possible allergy or irritation!

Sorry for all the venting, but this sleep thing has been a hard road for us! I love this little girl more then life itself, so I don't want ppl to think otherwise, I'm just frustrated for her about the sleeping, I know she gets tired, she is extra fussy when tired lol! Like I said all help is welcome, I love my little one and I just want her to be able to get a good nights rest!

Another great weekend!!

It's Wednesday, so I am finally getting around to updating the blog about Lotte's fun weekend! Charlotte had so much fun this weekend!!

Friday night Lotte went to the aquarium for the first time.  It was super fun! She loved to look at all of the fish swimming around.  She loved the jelly fish and her eyes darted quickly as they swam past.  She also really enjoyed tapping on the glass.  She loved it so much some aquarium employee scolded us haha.  After the aquarium Lotte spent some quality time with GG so I could go to Chris' surprise birthday party.  I was only gone a couple of hours, but my mom texted me at 10:30 and said "does this kid ever sleep?!" HAHAH not at 10:30 she doesn't!

Saturday was another fun day for us.  Charlotte had swim class again.  She did amazing as per usual.  She loves the water and is so comfortable in it.  She never cries, even when going underwater.  Her favorite part is when she gets to sit on the edge of the pool and jump in towards me.  She always has a big grin on her face! After swimming we came home for lunch and resting.  Charlotte is such a big girl now, she is eating like a champ.  There are very few things she does not like.  After lunch we headed back out to complete one of 101 things to do! We went for a hike in the nice sunny weather.  We went to the Robinson Nature Center in Columbia.  It is a really nice place.  They had a fun nature hike which Lotte loved.  She loves to be in her BOB and be out and about cruising.  She is such the observer, loves to take everything in.  After the hike they had a campfire set up with silly songs and they roasted us apples with cinnamon.  I only took one apple for myself.  Huge mistake.  Lotte ate half of mine, she loved the warm apple with the cinnamon.  She also loved singing silly songs with her little friends. Well after our busy day, we came home to watch movies and cuddle. 

Sunday was another busy but fun day for my amazing baby.  She had an awesome playdate with her friend Violet.  It is always nice for Charlotte to be able to just crawl around with other babies, I really think she learns from them.  Violet had a ton of fun toys Charlotte liked to play with too! After her exciting playdate she was such a lucky girl she got to to ANOTHER playdate.  Charlotte went to see her cousin Holden and future husband Waylon.  She had a great time! 

At the end of the weekend we were definitely exhausted!  Sunday night Lotte was very very fussy and had a little baby cough and some diaper rash, I was of course worried, she had a terrible night, didn't sleep at all! She went to the doctors on Monday just to get checked out, the doctor said the diaper rash was fine, just a regular old diaper rash.  I am concerned that it is from the little swimmers/chlorine combination.  She never had diaper rash before swimming started.  The good news is that it is completely gone now, which is great.  The doctor said she had some congestion and had a little cold, but lungs were clear and no ear infection and is basically a perfectly healthy baby so I was pleased.  Can you believe that my little peanut weighs in at a whopping fourteen pounds and nine ounces? She is almost triple her weight when we left the hospital! She is growing beautifully!

She is getting really good at crawling to things and pulling herself up all by herself.  I have a feeling she will be walking sooner rather than later.  I really need to invest in some more baby gates!

Tomorrow is Valentines day, and she is the best Valentine I could have ever asked for!

I need to stop watching Netflix.

Lotte and I had a busy busy day.  Details to come in my weekend wrapup blog.  To end the busy day, we decided to stay inside this evening and play and relax.  I watched an amazing documentary and FINALLY finished Dawson's Creek.   Don't judge me, I never watched it when it was on TV so I've been watching it FOREVER on Netflix and finally got to the series finale. ANYWAY, both things were incredibly moving for me at this point on my life.

First the documentary.  It was called Dear Zachary. It was about a man who was shot to death.  It turned out the woman that murdered him was pregnant with his son, who she named Zachary.  The movie was an open letter to him.  I think everyone should watch it was really good, it's on Netflix, use tissues.  If you plan to watch it and you don't want spoilers STOP READING NOW, if you don't want to watch it or don't care feel free to proceed. 

Anyway, Zachary's mom, the murderer, kept being released on bail, basically Canada fucked up.  When he was like 16 months old I think, she killed him and herself.  I sobbed.  I didn't see it coming, it was all friends and family sending messages to Zachary about his father who he never got to meet or know. 

In the series finale of Dawson's Creek (if you haven't seen it by now you probably don't want too, but there will be spoilers), Jen Lindley dies.  She had a one year old daughter, and she died of some heart thing.  I was unclear on the circumstances surrounding her death but apparently her heart had a hole in it or something. 

Anyway, both of these things I watched tonight, made me cry like a baby.  They are more real to me know that I have Charlotte.  First, I can not even begin to imagine why a mother would kill their child.  Well, usually it is because of mental illness, and I have a pretty good diagnostic impression of the lady from the documentary. 

It was incredibly sad.  It made me hug my little girl so tight.  I could never imagine life without her.  Everyday I work so hard to take care of her and make life amazing from her, why would someone take their child's life (I know I know, mental illness).  It was just incredibly hard for me to watch. 

The other overarching theme of the night was parents who died with young children.  This was very scary.  Every time someone cuts me off when I'm driving to work, I take a moment to thank God I am still alive and wasn't in an accident. If something terrible ever happened to me, I hope and pray that someone lets Charlotte know how much I love her. 

I can't even imagine being sick or in an accident and having to say goodbye to Charlotte.  First, let me say I know she would be well taken care of.  So many people love her, she would have a great life, but she wouldn't have her mother.  Now that I am a mom, this is one my biggest fears, the other ones all involve her and/or being trapped with lots of condiments hahaha.  I never want her to think I didn't love her.  I never want to dissapoint her. 

I would want Charlotte to know that she wasn't a surprise or an accident, that her dad and I tried very hard to have her.  I would want her to know that I prayed every night to have a baby, and when I found out I was pregnant I prayed and prayed that I would have a little girl.  I would want her to know what a blessing she is to have.  I would want her to know that I love her more and more everyday. 

I hope nothing happens to me and I die old and gray and I get to watch her grow up and meet my grand kids and great grandkids, but god forbid something happens, I hope and pray she knows that her mother loved her more than anyone can even love another human.  I hope that every person she ever meets that knows me or even knows of me tells her how loved she is.  At the end of the day, I don't care what people say about me, they can call me crazy, stupid, boring, ugly, bitchy, any horrible thing, but I hope they follow it up with "yea but she was a great mom that loved that little girl". 

Charlotte is the greatest gift I have ever been given.  I am so thankful for her.  She makes life amazing and wonderful.  I can not wait to watch her grow up.  Even though the documentary was incredibly heart wrenching it was very well done, and a great movie that you should all watch.

I am exhausted so I am going to hit the hay, but make sure you hug your loved ones tighter tonight.  I know I hugged Lotte over and over again.  Each day is a gift and I am trying to make the most of them. Some days are really hard, sometimes I feel alone, some days I feel sad, but even on those days, Charlotte can cheer me up with just her presecnece. I love this little girl more than life itself and am so thankful for her. I can't wait to wake up to her smiling face :)

Who would have thought Netflix would have moved me so much? Thanks Netflix, thanks.  Lotte and I have a bright future ahead of us, we will make the most of everyday!

101 things!!

So at a meeting today they have us these posters for the kids "101 things to do instead of drugs" I don't use drugs, but I want to do all 101 things.

I am going to give myself 202 days to complete the list! Lotte and I will document it here on the blog!

Looking forward to trying new things and taking time to stop and smell the roses!

I've offered the list to others and five ppl already messaged me about it so I can't
wait to her their adventures too!

Love you all and if anyone could teach me to cartwheel, that would be great :)

Confessions of a single mom

Here it is. Almost five am and I've been up since three. Charlotte is back to sleep as of fifteen minutes ago but my alarm for the day will be going off in about fifteen minutes so I'm just laying in bed resting.

I've learned the hardest part of being on your own is the middle of the night. It is the most lonely and the most trying of your patience!

I remember thinking when Adam left that it was on that he didn't love me, it was ok that he was dating new people, it was ok he was moving on, but what wasn't ok. (And this is just by my own standards of ok because i take things very personally lol) was the timing.

At that time I had my two week old in my arms and felt more alone then ever! I don't know how many blog readers out there have given birth, esp by csection, but if you have you know it changes you and you have so many crazy emotions lol! Your hormones are up and down your body is physically worn out and if its your first baby you have no idea what your doing and it's scary! What I couldn't understand is why Adam would want to leave me when I needed him the most!

That's the hardest part about being a single mom. I have no one to support me emotionally. I put everything I have into raising my baby girl, but no one there to support me while I do it.

Wait. That's not true. I have family and I have friends, but at 3:30 in the morning I still feel very alone sometimes.

I have some complications from the csection and some other current health problems I'm dealing with (nothing too serious don't worry!!)

Lotte was kind of fussy tonight and wouldn't go to sleep until about midnight or so, and then at three am I woke up in excruciating pain.

Of course crawling out of bed and downstairs to get my meds woke this kid up...I swear I could play an air horn and she wouldn't wake up, but she hears something happening downstairs without her and she's up like a flash!

So here I am at three thirty throwing up and in pain, but also feeding lots at the same time.

In times like these it is the only time I feel like i NEED help. And these times are rare. Other times help is appreciated but not necessary, not to toot my own horn too much but I'm a fucking great mom. But at three am when I have to crawl to my bed bc of the pain and hold lots while I do it, I feel alone and incapable. Two things I hate.

Sometimes in the middle of the night it would be nice to be able to tell someone else to get out of the warm bed to go make a bottle or just to have some there to hold your hand or tell you you did a good job. But c'est la vie!

The moment is fleeting and soon daylight will be here and I will be fine. Blogging helps. I love when ppl let me know they read it or liked a particular post. It makes me feel better to write and I love to share my journey.

Charlotte is amazing! She is growing well and is a happy and healthy little love bug! Honestly what more could I ask for!?! As for me I have learned that I am stronger then I ever thought possible! The middle of the night is hard, but the days are so wonderful and rewarding it makes it worth it.

There are things that happen to us that we don't expect and when that curve ball hits you, you can lay there crying and never get up or you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with life! Or you can do what I do, blog about how much it sucks, then pick yourself up lol it's true though, I have a roof over mine and lottes head, I can afford baby formula, baby food, baby clothes and diapers. I can even afford to feed myself, lotte and I so get to do so many fun things! I am wayyyyy luckier then most and for that I will always be thankful.

I know that by noon I will have forgotten all about this and have moved on, but the middle if the night is the hardest part about being a single mom.

Lotte's first Superbowl!

It's Sunday! SUPERBOWL SUNDAY! This is Lotte's first superbowl, and believe or not her hometeam is playing! Lotte is all decked out in Raven's gear and watching the superbowl with her auntie em and auntie amanda!

Lotte had a fun weekend! She went shopping and out to dinner on Friday night! It is getting harder and easier to take her places if that makes sense at all.  She is so much more interactive it is super fun, and she can sit up and enjoy herself. The harder part is that now it requires me taking so much more stuff out, and planning appropriately, enough extra clothes, food, toys etc.  Before she would just sleep in her car seat and I could enjoy dinner as long as I wanted, now I have to stick to her timelime.

Swim class did NOT go well.  Some other kid pooped in the pool, so we did not get to swim.  I just count my lucky stars, Lotte is not that kid that ruins it for all the others lol.  So we had more time to relax at home.  We went out to eat AGAIN, for Auntie Jenna's birthday! She had fun hanging out with her cousin Holden and all of her family. 

On Sunday we enjoyed Lotte's first time in the snow.  My mom got her this awesome baby sled.  My mom added a seat belt and a rope for me to pull.  It was perfect for running around the neighborhood in.  Afterwards we took a trip to an awesome place called The Book Thing.  It is basically just a giant building full of free books! I dropped off a ton, which was nice because I cleared out my bookshelf.  It was so fun to look at all the books they had, and I came home with all sorts of free books for Lotte, so that'll be awesome!

And now it is almost half time and the Ravens are winning! We plan to watch the rest of the game and hit the hay.  I have to work tomorrow :( I wish Baltimore got a holiday when the Ravens were in the superbowl, but what are you going to do?

I hope Lotte has a great week, she is still crawling around, eating everything in sight and loving life.  Most of the time she is a very happy girl, she just really hates sleeping!