Lotte and I had a busy busy day. Details to come in my weekend wrapup blog. To end the busy day, we decided to stay inside this evening and play and relax. I watched an amazing documentary and FINALLY finished Dawson's Creek. Don't judge me, I never watched it when it was on TV so I've been watching it FOREVER on Netflix and finally got to the series finale. ANYWAY, both things were incredibly moving for me at this point on my life.
First the documentary. It was called Dear Zachary. It was about a man who was shot to death. It turned out the woman that murdered him was pregnant with his son, who she named Zachary. The movie was an open letter to him. I think everyone should watch it was really good, it's on Netflix, use tissues. If you plan to watch it and you don't want spoilers STOP READING NOW, if you don't want to watch it or don't care feel free to proceed.
Anyway, Zachary's mom, the murderer, kept being released on bail, basically Canada fucked up. When he was like 16 months old I think, she killed him and herself. I sobbed. I didn't see it coming, it was all friends and family sending messages to Zachary about his father who he never got to meet or know.
In the series finale of Dawson's Creek (if you haven't seen it by now you probably don't want too, but there will be spoilers), Jen Lindley dies. She had a one year old daughter, and she died of some heart thing. I was unclear on the circumstances surrounding her death but apparently her heart had a hole in it or something.
Anyway, both of these things I watched tonight, made me cry like a baby. They are more real to me know that I have Charlotte. First, I can not even begin to imagine why a mother would kill their child. Well, usually it is because of mental illness, and I have a pretty good diagnostic impression of the lady from the documentary.
It was incredibly sad. It made me hug my little girl so tight. I could never imagine life without her. Everyday I work so hard to take care of her and make life amazing from her, why would someone take their child's life (I know I know, mental illness). It was just incredibly hard for me to watch.
The other overarching theme of the night was parents who died with young children. This was very scary. Every time someone cuts me off when I'm driving to work, I take a moment to thank God I am still alive and wasn't in an accident. If something terrible ever happened to me, I hope and pray that someone lets Charlotte know how much I love her.
I can't even imagine being sick or in an accident and having to say goodbye to Charlotte. First, let me say I know she would be well taken care of. So many people love her, she would have a great life, but she wouldn't have her mother. Now that I am a mom, this is one my biggest fears, the other ones all involve her and/or being trapped with lots of condiments hahaha. I never want her to think I didn't love her. I never want to dissapoint her.
I would want Charlotte to know that she wasn't a surprise or an accident, that her dad and I tried very hard to have her. I would want her to know that I prayed every night to have a baby, and when I found out I was pregnant I prayed and prayed that I would have a little girl. I would want her to know what a blessing she is to have. I would want her to know that I love her more and more everyday.
I hope nothing happens to me and I die old and gray and I get to watch her grow up and meet my grand kids and great grandkids, but god forbid something happens, I hope and pray she knows that her mother loved her more than anyone can even love another human. I hope that every person she ever meets that knows me or even knows of me tells her how loved she is. At the end of the day, I don't care what people say about me, they can call me crazy, stupid, boring, ugly, bitchy, any horrible thing, but I hope they follow it up with "yea but she was a great mom that loved that little girl".
Charlotte is the greatest gift I have ever been given. I am so thankful for her. She makes life amazing and wonderful. I can not wait to watch her grow up. Even though the documentary was incredibly heart wrenching it was very well done, and a great movie that you should all watch.
I am exhausted so I am going to hit the hay, but make sure you hug your loved ones tighter tonight. I know I hugged Lotte over and over again. Each day is a gift and I am trying to make the most of them. Some days are really hard, sometimes I feel alone, some days I feel sad, but even on those days, Charlotte can cheer me up with just her presecnece. I love this little girl more than life itself and am so thankful for her. I can't wait to wake up to her smiling face :)
Who would have thought Netflix would have moved me so much? Thanks Netflix, thanks. Lotte and I have a bright future ahead of us, we will make the most of everyday!
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