Too little time!

So much has been going on in my life I haven't had time to update since before Christmas. One of my resolutions is to update more! I was so good at it for a brief period of time! 

Things have been hard, but I have a lot of good things on the horizon. I have been taking each day one at a time. I am working everyday to be the best mom and person I can be. 

Charlotte is doing great as per usual. She is really growing and changing each and every day! She knows a lot of words now and communicates her wants pretty well. Sometimes she has a complicated plan in her head and she gets easily frustrated when I don't understand. She has mini temper tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants. I'm learning to ignore her and not give into her every demand. 

She got her first sickness in the beginning of the year. She puked so much. I mean I've seen a lot of bodily fluids throughout the years, vomit included, but I'm pretty sure when she puked it was her entire body weight. Watching your child get sick IS THE FUCKING WORST. You want to make ten feel better instantly but you can't :( it's very sad. She recovered nicely and is doing well! 

She still loves animals! Ask her what the elephant says...it's the cutest! My mom got her a robot fish for Christmas and she loves it!

Another of her current favorite things is Elmo. She says Elmo and points out Elmo whenever she sees him. She equally likes and hates Sesame Street. She loves it but hates when Elmo isn't on it.

She loves to play with her baby dolls especially the cradle my mom got her for Christmas. When she says "baby" it's the cutest thing ever and melts my heart.

She is really an amazing little human and I'm so proud to be her mom everyday! 

Hot air balloons!

   Well it's Monday! My weekend with Charlotte went well! On Friday night we went and checked out the hot air balloon festival at Turf Valley. 

Was a lot of fun! It was an interesting experience going as a single mom. Everyone had to park at the fairgrounds and ride a shuttle over. It was charlottes first time one a school bus! The hard part was carrying her, her bag, the picnic blanket, and her stroller onto the bus at once, by myself. Not to be a jerk, but I really wanted to punch all the happy families, not because they looked so happy, but because they had four hands. What I wouldn't give for an extra set of hands!  We did make it on the bus, getting off was harder, and I was shocked no one helped me, if you see a lady struggling, and you have your hands free, help her. It's nice. 

I had never been to a festival like this but it was worth it! So much fun! We got to walk around, sit with friends, and watch the amazing balloons! We even got to walk through one! They are so big it's amazing! When it got dark they all lit up at the same time and called it the balloon glow! So neat! The shuttle back to the parking lot was much better, the bus driver was a gentleman and out the stroller on the bus for me:) we got home after bedtime, and let me tell you, this kid was exhausted!! She crawled all over turf valley!! 

Saturday was another busy day! We went to swim class and play partners in the morning and an evening walk together! We also made blue berry muffins together! Blue berries are her favorite food. She is such a happy baby! 

Sunday we went to the arbutus arts festival, something I've been going to forever! Charlotte had her first funnel cake ever, and waved at lots of random strangers! We played lots of games in the afternoon together and enjoyed just being at home for once!

Charlotte is growing and changing everyday! Her top teeth finally came through!! Super tiny and can barely see them, but I'm happy for her that they did come through! She is 11 months old now! Crazy crazy! She is in love with any toy that nests and stacks. She is so smart!! She loves puzzles as well. Swinging is probably  her favorite thing, always happy in a swing! She has a hard time playing by herself these days, constantly wants to be with you! She will crawl to whatever you she wants, then carry/push/roll over to you, then pull herself up and sit herself into your lap and play with it in your lap! She is so funny like that. She is very particular about things and easily gets frustrated and upset when she isn't getting what she wants or is having a hard time communicating.  She will be walking any day now for sure!  She loves to walk with you by holding hands and is so proud of herself when she does it! sometimes she refuses to crawl, would rather walk! She can stand on her own now Without holding onto anything longer and longer each day! she is adventurous, but not fearless! she could def walk if she wanted too, but she gets so unsure of herself! she took a few steps from on couch to the other the other day and it was awesome and her face was priceless! it is so hard to believe she is almost a year old! Time flies so quickly! It's so bittersweet! I miss my sweet little peanut love bug, but have loved watching her grow and change, and very much look forward to our future!

First Zoo Trip!

Today I took the little one to the national zoo.  Not only was it her first trip to the zoo it was her first time to DC and her first day trip! The day didn't start out as planned because it was raining all morning. 

One of the things I am learning about having a baby is nothing is simple anymore.  I can't just grab and go like I used to.  I now have to make sure everything is packed for her, just in case she needs something.  I no longer am able to get myself ready the way I would like to anymore.  That is probably the most frustrating part of it all.  I have no time to myself to do my hair or make up the way I would like.  And most of the time we are running late, because of last minute diaper changes and things.  This does not bode well for my future of getting to work on time.  But I guess I will have to make it work. 

Today was bittersweet for so many reasons.  It was great to spend the day with the little one doing something fun.  But I know it is one of the last weekdays Lotte and I can linger and do what we want at our own pace.  From now on I will have to rush in the mornings to get her to daycare and get to work on time.  I will miss our leisurely mornings.  Weekday holidays will now mean so much more to me then the have in the past when I was just excited not to have to work.  It was also hard because I always envisioned her first day trip to the zoo as something we would have done as a family. There were three times when it hit me that I have to start getting used to doing things just me and Lotte. 

This first incident occurred when the front wheel of her stroller FELL OFF! I heard it squeaking and was wondered if it was tightened right...it was not.  So here I am walking around when the front wheel just popped off.  Luckily I was able to tilt her back on the bottom two wheels until I could sit down to try and fix it.  Fixing a wheel while holding a baby was not easy nor fun.  Would have been a great job for a husband.

The second incident occurred when she was fussing.  I took her out to hold her which instantly calmed her down, but now I had to hold her while pushing a stroller and holding a diaper bag.  A giant diaper bag I might add, to hold all the items I had to pack for her first day trip.  Would have been amazing to have an extra set of hands.

The third and final incident occurred at the zebra enclosure.  I was holding her and a zebra got really close to the glass.  Lotte's eyes got SO BIG! It was one of the cutest things I have ever seen.  I love to watch her explore the world and discover new things.  She had a big smile on her face with her wide eyes.  It was amazing.  This was one of the things I wish someone was around to share in the joy of watching this amazing little girl. 

All in all it was a great day.  Everyday I get a little stronger and have began to work on healing my heart.  I am lucky that I get to call myself her mother and experience these fun things with her.  Although everything takes extra effort with her, it is worth it.  It is so much fun! I can't wait to see where Lotte and I go next. 

Big Girl using her stroller without the car seat attached (she is asleep in the picture, but she LOVED facing out instead of facing me haha):

 

This was probably her favorite thing, a giant mirror for her to watch herself and she loved the monkey:

Moving Day

As most people know Adam has decided to leave.  I am heartbroken.  I never ever pictured life without him.  I am an adult though.  I understand heartbreak and I understand that I have to live with his decision.  I know that I need to accept things for what they are and work on moving on.  I started this blog to document what life is like with the world’s most AMAZING little human.  I envisioned looking back on the blog and reading over fond memories of family vacations and hilarious stories of Adam and me navigating the world of a baby together. 

This is the hardest part. 

My hopes and dreams for Charlotte are no more.  This is the area I am most struggling with.  I know that Adam would never up and leave Charlotte, ever.  I know that he will remain involved in her life, but I am sad that Charlotte will never get to know her dad the way she would get to know him if he was a fulltime father.  All the things I love and admire about her father I want her to get to know.  I want her to know why I chose him to be her father. 

Adam told me he was done when Charlotte was two weeks old.  Although I was devastated, it has given me time to adjust to this new life.  I have begun to develop new hopes and dreams for Charlotte.  Although this is not my choice, it is a new beginning for me and Lotte and I hope that I can give her the amazing life that she deserves.  I never thought I could love another human being the way I love this baby and I want her to have the best life possible and am working on remaining calm and strong for her. I have had so much amazing support from family and friends, that I know we will be ok. Thank you to everyone for the late night phone calls, the kind words, and too all those that made me meals so that I continued to eat: you really do know the way to my heart ;)

On a positive note I just passed my test and am now an LCSW-C, which means I’m fresh full of information, including the stages of grief and loss.  I thought I kept fluctuating between the anger and depression stage and was almost to the acceptance phase, but today I realized I was in denial.  I think deep down I didn’t actually think my life would be changing like it has.  But Adam and Dexter moved out today.  It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced and the worst pain I have ever felt.  Today was ridiculously hard and gets harder and harder for me as I stare at Adams empty closet or the weird spot on the floor where Dexter’s food bowls used to be.

 I have to keep moving forward and looking towards the future.  Although right now I feel helpless and unsure of myself, I know in my heart that I am a strong, smart, independent person.  I have been told those things my whole life and I was never sure why, but now I know that everything I have learned, every time I had to work on being strong was preparing me for this curveball I didn’t see coming.  I know that I will be able to be the BEST mom possible.  I will do whatever it takes to give her everything she needs, wants and deserves and I can’t wait to watch her grow into a strong woman herself.  I also know that when I am lacking in things, I have my family and friends to help me through.  So many people love Charlotte and me it is overwhelming and it couldn’t make me happier.

So if anyone is still reading this far I will wrap it up.  While going through hard times it is helpful for me to write about them.  So although this blog was intended to document OUR life with Charlotte, it is going to be a diary of a single mom navigating the world with a baby.   I debated upon whether doing a blog post regarding the separation and Adam’s choice to leave, but writing has been so cathartic to me.  Plus my current “life with Charlotte” is just that, just me and Charlotte for now.  I can’t wait to continue updating all of you with the amazing tales of Charlotte and our life together.  I know that there will be hard times in the future, but I also know that there will be many amazing adventures and I can’t wait.  Our future is bright J

 

Baby at the movie theater?

Well, Charlotte is TEN weeks old! Where did the time go?! Soon I'll be telling everyone that she is sixteen and has crashed the car or something! This evening I decided to take Charlotte to the movies with me and Amanda.  I know that people have differing opinions on whether or not you should take an infant to the movies, but we saw a kids movie at matinee time, so I thought it would be appropriate. 

Charlotte did really well overall.  She got fussy once, but just needed to be fed.  It was fun, but I wouldn't take her to any adult movies unless it was like a Sunday morning or early afternoon type thing.  Otherwise, Ill just stick with kids movies.  Parents in kids movies are less judgy.  It was nice to get out of the house and mingle with others.  Charlotte will definitely be a social butterfly, she loves going out of the house and interacting with other people.  She especially loves other babies and kids.  She loves to watch them, so I am working on making her some new friends.  The movie trip would not have been possible without the Moby Wrap.  Another great baby invention.  She loves that thing, and I love not having to lug a carseat or stroller around!

Life has definitely changed in the last two and a half months and this was another reminder.  Although the changes have been great because this little lady is the most amazing thing I have ever done in my entire life, it has its frustrating moments.  I really think being a mother would be a lot easier if I had four hands instead of two.  I think the human generation should have evolved over time to make this happen. 

FYI We saw Paranorman and it was adorable!

Sleep when she sleeps.

I don't know who started passing out the "you have to sleep when she sleeps" advice, but whoever made that up either never had kids or completely forgot what it was like to live with a newborn.  Especially a breastfeeding newborn. 

This tiny peanut wants to eat every two to three hours.  Feeding takes an hour, then you have to rock her back to sleep.  Then you have to fall asleep, at that point your lucky if you get twenty minutes, tops. 

Now that she is six weeks old (happy six week old birthday today Char!) she stays awake more often and has more regular sleeping patterns.  Which should make the theory work.  It still does not work, because now I just have piles of laundry staring at me, dinner to cook, a house to clean, showers to take and a dog to walk.  Now when she sleeps all I can think about is how long will she be down so I can get something done. 

Slowly but surely the house is becoming less of a disaster zone.  I will be honest, since she is sleeping in the pack and play bassinet next to the bed, all of her clean laundry is in her crib.  Because she only has a limited amount of clothes that fit her small self right now I'm stuck doing her laundry every few days, so I just dump it in her crib and take what I need when I need it.  But other then that the house isn't too bad.  I am also getting used to less sleep, because I can rest during the day.  I hope that she gets to become a better sleeper when I go back to work in six weeks, otherwise I don't think that I will be any good to anyone.

My sleeping angel.

Everyday we get more and more into a routine, but rarely does this routine involve naps for me.  I will try not to tell new mothers to sleep when they sleep, because it is a load of shit to be quite honest.  Unless you do not wish to eat yourself, have a maid, a cook and a dog walker and never wish to shower yourself it is very hard to do. The most annoying part of this advice (and keep this in mind when talking to a new mother who is exhausted, recovering from a csection and trying to keep her house together) is that when people ask how I am doing, I say tired, but well, which is the truth, everyone single person responds with "well sleep when she sleeps" as if no one, including my doctor, has not told me that.  Next person that tells me this advice is going to get it.  :)

A girl and her dog.

Bringing Charlotte home to meet Dexter, the GIANT dog was very nerve wracking.  While I was in the hospital for days, Adam snuck out blankets and onesies that she was wrapped in and wearing.  Every time he came home to let the dog out he had one with him to let Dexter smell them.  Fortunately we now have extra blankets to swaddle her in as well as some extra shirts that cover her hands up (don't tell the hospital) :)

Well the day came and Dexter did GREAT.  We brought her in the House in car seat and sat her on the dining room chair, which is right as his level.  He sniffed and sniffed and sniffed.  He licked her feet.  He kept looking at us then back at her.  It was like he knew she belonged in the family. 

Due to the C-Section and not having a bathroom on our main level, I set up shop in the bedroom.  In the early days Dex & Adam spent their days downstairs hanging out taking care of things and me so that I could take care of the little one.  Every time she cried and fussed he would RUN up the stairs and wait outside the bedroom door until she stopped.  Needless to say it was adorable. 

As we got more comfortable with having her around Dex (NEVER unsupervised, I am no baby expert and no dog expert, but I'm pretty sure I would never leave any baby around any dog) Anyway, he now spends his days hanging out with me and Charlotte all day.  When we lay in bed, napping and feeding (which I would estimate to be 50% of our days currently lol) he lays with us.  When I'm downstairs cleaning and cooking and doing her never ending dirty laundry he is laying next to her in her swing. I recently gave him a new bone and he went and left it on her swing she was sleeping in for her to have.  It was very cute. 

The three of us go on walks everyday and he has been doing great! Every time we encounter another human on our path he always puts his nose in her stroller to make sure she is ok before they pass us and after they pass us.  He gets concerned when people other then Adam and myself pick her up.  He is protective and clearly loves his new baby.

I hope that he loves her just as much when she gets older and pulls on his tail and dresses him up in princess garb.  We shall see.