I started this post on June 15th... Finally finishing it!
I am overcome with so many emotions. I wanted to update yesterday on her actual birthday, but couldn't bring myself to do so.
I'm such a proud mother. This first year has been so intense and didn't turn out at all how I planned when I was pregnant, and it went by so quickly.
Those first months were the hardest. I never felt more alone in my life. There were hours and hours of sleepless nights. I don't think any book you read or anyone you talk to can really surmise the amount of work and time you have to put into a newborn. Those first months she needed me for everything; food, changing, comfort, rocking to sleep. All the things as a grown adult we talk for granted, the simplest most basic needs.
It took everything inside of me not to break down, not to give up. Running on no sleep was insanely hard. When I got pregnant I thought it was going to be a full team effort, for the last eight years, I had thought I could do anything, because the love of my life was by my side, I always thought that with his support I could do anything fly as high as I wanted. Being on my own, with a newborn was harder than I ever imagined, at 3:00 am when nothing was working to g et her to sleep I had no one to turn to for emotional support. Like unsaid I felt alone, I spent a lot of time crying.
I eventually told myself to shut the hell up, and reminded myself a lot of people out there have it a lot worse. When I stopped feeling sorry for myself and opened my eyes, I realized I had emotional support all over the place. I had old friends, new friends and family.
Even though it was hard, I was able to meet those basic needs and more! Slowly but surely my tiny peanut began to not only grow, but to flourish.
I am one proud mama! When I think back to those sleepless nights it hardly seems real. It is hard for me to fathom that one person can grow and change so much in only one short year.
Charlotte can feed herself and crawl around to get what she wants. She can communicate and understand the things I am saying. I am so proud of how far she has come. It is truly amazing how much she has grown and changed in only one year! Hey, and she has hair now for all those great bows she has.
I am overcome with emotion. Not only am I proud, I am sad, scared, happy, excited, nervous, pretty much everything.
I am scared and nervous about what the future holds. Have you ever watched the news? It's horrible. Watching the news after you have a kid, everything hits you closer. Every time, I am driving and see an accident on the side of the road I thank god that it wasn't me and pray that if it is me one day, Charlotte is not in the car. I don't think the feeling of worry will ever leave me until I leave this earth. It is amazing how much having a child can change you and your soul. Charlotte is now and will always be my number one priority. I will worry if she makes friends at pre school and if she will have fun at school and if she will like her classes and if she will make the team.
Although I feel those worries, joy and pride are my number one emotions. Balancing the normal parent worries are so easy when you have a kiddo like Charlotte. She is such a joy to be around and is so loving. I know she will grow up to be an amazing woman, and I pray each night that she is happy; my greatest wish for her is happiness.
I am sad that my little one is so grown up and won't be my little baby any longer. I am happy I was able to cherish each moment I had with her. I will always remember her sweet baby smiles and the way she looked up at me and talked to me with her sweet baby babble. I will remember these times on her first day of school and her first heartbreak. I will think of these moments when she is sixteen and tells me she hates me because I won't let her out of the house in that skirt that's too short. I will remember her baby giggles when I walk her down the aisle at her wedding.
I am overcome with joy and pride at the AMAZING toddler she has become and can't wait to see what's next. Each day, hour, minute, second I spend with her is a gift and I truly treasure it. Like I've said before, and I'll say it again, our future is bright!
To everyone out there who has mad whee first year of life so amazing, I thank you. From the bottom of my heart I thank you. I could not have survived this year without so much support and love. Charlotte is so loved, my heart is full. Never under estimate anything you do, ever. I appreciate all the big things, but I appreciate the small ones just as much. Every kind word that has been said to me and Charlotte, every meal I've been given, every small gesture has meant the world to us. My heart is so overwhelmed with joy and love.
So whatever you're doing (assuming you've read this far) kiss/hug/call/send an email text to whoever is important to you. Charlotte is one and the world is a great and magical place.
