It's the holiday season!

Fall is here! My favorite Holiday is almost upon us! HALLOWEEN! I can't wait! Lotte and I decorated this weekend for the holidays and took some adorable photos of her in her pumpkin tutu.  Anyone who knows me, knows I love holidays, all of them, and that Halloween is my favorite! I can not wait to share in Lottes first Halloween! It is going to be so much fun!

I have finished three whole weeks of work.  It barely feels like I have been gone.  The biggest difference is that now I try to make the most of my weekends with Lotte and spend as much quality time with her as I can.  We got up super early after little to no sleep last night to go for a walk with her baby friends.  It was really fun and she looked adorable in her sweater. 

We also had family brunch! Lotte loves to be around people, so she had a good time.  Then we were home to play and hang out.  Lotte did NOT nap at all today.  She fell asleep for a few minutes here and there, but nothing substantial.  By the end of the evening she was so fussy, and I could not put her down.  My back was killing me, my frustration level was through the roof.  I put her in her car seat and went to get some dinner, I was hoping the driving would help her, but she just screamed more.  Solution? Let her watch bubble guppies on my phone.  So I had to hold the phone, playing a youtube of bubble guppies with one hand over her car seat, and drive with the other.  It helped for a little bit until we stopped moving when we got home.  I ended up turning out all the lights and putting her in her stroller and pushing it in the house.  That worked until again we stopped moving.  So I decided to let her eat more.  She projectile vomited everywhere, I mean milk even came out of her nose.  A bath later I was able to rock her to sleep, and now she has been asleep for an hour! GLORY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN! I love this kid, but sometimes it is hard to do everything all day by yourself, especially on days where she decides NOT to nap even once and fuss all night.  It makes me feel bad because sometimes I feel like I am at a loss, I have no idea what to do, but then she cuddles up and it is amazing.  I love this kid so much.  So many fun things to look forward to.  Tomorrow we are going to check out Storyville and relax together some more before the weekend escapes us!

Status Quo

Life with Lotte has been pretty great! I haven't done an update in awhile, but I have just been so busy! Life has been hectic with work and everything.  Friday I will have completed three whole weeks of work, and next week Lotte turns FOUR MONTHS OLD! I can not believe this little one has been outside of me for four months.  I love watching her grow. 

Although I would much rather spend everyday with her all day, work has not been too bad.  It is nice having a routine and I am lucky in the fact that when I go to work, I am surrounded by people I love and one of my greatest support systems!

This weekend went surprisingly well.  It was Adams first full day with Lotte Polka Dottie, and I thought I would do nothing but sit around and cry and miss her. WRONG! I cleaned the house the way I had been wanting to forever, I went out with my friends, I did some daytime drinking of alcoholic slushies, and I relaxed! Although I missed her, I have to admit, it was nice to have some me time and just enjoy being myself for a little while.  The best part? I got to pick up my little Lotte and head home for some evening cuddle time. 

Our routine is coming together nicely, although I have to say I still have not made it to work on time.  Once I made it in at 9:05 and was proud of myself! Ill get there one day.  As far as jobs go I could not ask for a better one for a first time mom returning to work.  My hours are flexible because my boss is amazing.  On Tuesdays I work 11-7 so I still get to take Lotte to baby boosters at the library.  I love our time together on Tuesday mornings.  We sing songs, read books and socialize with other babies and mommies together.  It is so much fun to have that time together before going to work.

Fall is here and we have so many things to look forward to! Lotte's cousin Holden will be arriving soon and she can't wait! We also have plans to go apple picking with friends, pumpkin patching and hayrides with her friends from baby boosters, and of course the baby shower of the century!  The best part? Charlotte's first Halloween!! Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE holidays, all of them, and Halloween is my most favorite of all! I can not wait to take her trick or treating in her cute costume and have her help hand out candy with me! Its going to be SO fun!

This is Lotte at daycare doing tummy time (which she hates when I make her do it, she must like Ms. Rhonda more then me haha) Also if you haven't already like her daycare page on FB, Ms. Rhonda is amazing and always sends me pictures and uploads them for me! It is nice that I get to see her while I'm working!

I'll give a million dollars to whoever makes my baby go to sleep.

She doesn't seem to understand the concept of sleeping through the night, or at all really lol.  Last night in total I had two hours and twenty minutes of sleep.  Back when I was on maternity leave this was just a minor annoyance.  Now that I have to work all day, it SUCKS.  I am so exhausted.  I would like to be asleep right now, but babygirl is up and cooing. 

Part of the issue is that she is teething so she gets fussy at night, so I do my best to cuddle her and keep her feeling better.  Although she is awake, and mostly fussy, I am so thankful I get to cuddle her every night.  She is amazing. 

She has begun to make new sounds.  It is so fun to listen to her and get to know her! Our new venture will be baby sign language.  I just bought baby signs for dummies, so I hope it is helpful.  Although I know most of the signs I will be teaching her, I have no idea how to go about teaching a baby signs.  I can't wait!

So now I attempt to fall asleep.  Wish me luck in my sleep endeavors tonight! I miss my sweet baby who used to sleep so peacefully. 

Feeding Time!

Well, Lotte has a tooth coming in! I know! Already! It is crazy, this little girl has a tooth but still can't roll over yet haha.  She is trying SO hard to roll over, I cheer her on every night, tonight I even sang eye of the tiger to help.  She has gotten good at scooting across the floor and can roll onto her side, she is so close to going all the way over, I can't wait!! She is so awesome.

Anyway! She has a tooth! Well not a whole tooth, not even close to a whole tooth, but it's coming in.  Little girl has been so drooly and is chewing on her hand and teethers like crazy.  She has also been more of a fusspot lately, which just means more cuddle time haha.   Anyway, the pediatrician recommended we start some rice cereal around four months.  Due to her size, teething, excellent head control, not sleeping through the night and horrible horrible gas, he said some rice cereal at night may help and gave us the go ahead to try it. So below is her first experience with eating! Her first meal was some organic brown rice mixed with lots of yummy breast milk. 

I'm all ready! First time in my high chair and I have my cool bib on:

 

What is this thing coming towards my face:

 

Ill just what spilled on my hands, it tastes better that way:

                                                  Mom I can help hold the spoon ok?:

 

Not sure I like organic brown rice:

 

Ok, Ill try again:

 

Eating the spillage:

 

                                                                      Clean up time:

 

All Done:

Poop Emergency!

Well, this week is off to a shitty start, literally! This morning I got Lotte dressed and ready to go then sat her in her boppy to play while I attempted to get ready, and then when I picked her up, I noticed she had poop all over her leg, which in turn got all over me.  So after a costume change for both of us we were ready to finish up our morning routine. 

Sadly, things just got worse.  I forgot to put one of the nipples in the bottle that I made and ended up spilling milk everywhere.  I hated wasting the breastmilk.  I spend so much time pumping I hate to waste it.  It was like watching precious gold go down the sink.  This is another area of frustration for me.  I pump and pump and work and still do not get enough.  I pack her twelve ounces of milk for daycare, but only end up pumping about seven while Im at work.  It is extremely frustrating and difficult.  I hate feeling like I can't feed my baby.

On top of it all work was crazy today.  Pumping is super annoying, but gets even worse when I'm interrupted at work.  Drives me nuts.  I still haven't gotten the hang of this working thing.  Im just not as good at it as I used to be.  I hate being late to work.  I think being late is rude and unprofessional.  I have yet to be on time for work.  Today I was super late due to my above incidents.  The worst part is that on the way out the door, I had my four bags, the carseat carrier and my keys in my hands (this is how it always is, I have my breast pump, my work bag, the diaper bag and her lunchbox filled with bottles, I am getting better at being able to carry all these items) and I tripped and almost went down, but my skirt was caught on the door, so I didn't fall, but my skirt ripped.  I really didn't feel like having a third costume change so I just went to work....late and not put together.  It is really hard for me, it's unlike me not to be put together. 

The good news is that the day got 100% better.  I picked up my amazing little girl from my moms house and she was happy and smiley.  She even got a free sweater that GG knitted her! This little girl is loving the homemade clothes! One of my neighbors who has a daughter three months older then Lotte made me a fantastic dinner.  It was so nice to come home and not have to worry about cooking or anything.  AWESOME! Then I of course spent lots of time cuddling and loving Lotte.  We spent lots of time dancing around the living room.  She is such a happy and fun baby, I am so happy when I get home from work and get to enjoy our time together. 

This is Lotte in her fall sweater knitted by GG, taken today, she is such a big girl these days!

We survived the first week!

So Lotte and I survived the first week of me being a working single mom. She did great lol.  I spent most of the week crying because I missed her. I think Wednesdays are the hardest days.  Its right in the middle of the week, I am exhausted by then and the weekend seems so far away.

Things were hard this week. It is very hard to get out of the house in a timely fashion.  I hope that I eventually get better at it. It would be much better if I could just get this little one to sleep better.  It is so hard to get moving in the mornings when I've been up several times in the middle of the night. 

I did however enjoy having two full days off with her this weekend. It was awesome.  Tonight is Sunday though and my heart is breaking all over again because I know I have to leave her tomorrow.  Luckily this is teaching me to cherish the time I do have with her.  I spent the weekend giving her lots of cuddles and attention and it was awesome. 

We had a great weekend! We made some new skirts and headbands out of tshirts and scrap fabric I have! She is so tiny it is perfect to make her some cute skirts with the scrap fabric.  We also made a dress out of an old tshirt.  I will post the links to the tutorials at the end, in case any of my readers also feel like crafting. 

We also went out shopping and to dinner to celebrate a friends birthday.  When you take Charlotte in public be ready for the paparazzi lol.  So many people come up to us and talk to us.  One lady thought I was carrying around a baby doll...weird.  At the restaurant some lady from eight tables away came over to tell me "how beautiful your daughter is".  It is crazy how many people point and smile and talk to you when you have a looker like Lotte.  People are also surprised to hear she is thirteen weeks old, and are also always impressed with her great head control.  What can I say? My amazing baby is advanced, we are headed for Harvard. 

The weird thing is I now like Mondays.  I know that they HAVE to come, but the good news about them now is that it is one day closer to another amazing weekend with Lotte :) I can't wait to see what we do next!

Outfit I made Lotte:

Matching T Shirt Headband:

Another skirt I made her, She needed ravens wear she can fit into lol:

 

How to make the skirt and headband:

http://deliacreates.blogspot.com/2012/02/nesting-easy-baby-skirts.html

http://www.sugarbeecrafts.com/2011/08/knotted-headband-with-tshirt-yarn.html

The baby peed on me.

It's true.  I took off her diaper to get her ready for her bath and while I was carrying her naked body to the bathroom she peed all over me.  Needless to say, we both got baths tonight.

So daycare seems to be going well.  It has only been two days, but Charlotte always seems happy at drop off and pick up.  She is never screaming or anything.  Clearly this is much easier for her then me lol. 

Leaving her is hard.  Work hasn't bad thus far, I am settling in to a new routine and routines are nice.  I miss her so much it is insane.  I think the hardest part is that when I do get time with her, I am exhausted. 

It is quite difficult to get out of the house in the mornings.  I have to get two people ready now in the morning now.  It sucks having to pack bottles and all the things she will need for daycare as well as packing my stupid breast pump.  Pumping at work also sucks, it is so hard to find time, then after you do you have to clean everything. 

After daycare is equally as annoying, you have to clean all the bottles from the day, make dinner and straighten up the house all while trying to get in cuddle time.  It's hard to balance work and time with Charlotte.  So far I feel like I have been too busy to have quality time with her because I have been getting her ready for daycare or cleaning up daycare stuff or making an attempt to feed myself.  I foresee lots of microwaved things in my future. 

The good news is that overall she seems to be doing well.  She is growing and changing everyday and she is usually always happy, so I can't ask for more.  Plus, although I hate working and wish I had the means to be able to be home with her more often, I am one of the fortunate ones to actually have a job, so I guess I should try to be thankful for that.  I hope that as time goes on she and I settle into a nice routine and remain happy together.  I also think that things will be easier for me once she gets into a semi-normal sleep routine.  She still wakes every three hours to eat, which makes life even more exhausting.  Although I am exhausted, I am so thankful to be her mom, she is extra special and I love being able to provide for her.

Charlotte's first day at "school" and my first day back at work, we survived :)

Anxiety!

Tomorrow is the big day.  I leave my amazing little person and head back to work.  Being a stay at home mom has been amazing.  I will miss it immensely.  I spent the last weekend getting as many cuddles that I could possibly get in.  Right now, Charlotte is easily soothed by me, I know she knows who I am and I like that my presence can comfort her.  I like that she is happy to see me. 

I have so many emotions right now it is hard to contain them.  I am a little excited to go back to work.  I enjoy what I do, I just wish I could afford to do it part time.  It will be nice to get into a regular routine.  I have so much anxiety it is oozing out of every pore.  I have no idea how she will adjust to daycare.  I am hopeful she will do well there.  I hope that she is safe and taken care of.  I am terrified that she will not know me as well as she knows me now, and that I will not know her as well as I do now. 

I've learned every cry and every expression.  I know what she needs and how to comfort her.  I do not want work to get in the way of me being the best mom possible.  I will miss her so much.  I have no idea how I will be able to complete my job duties with her on my mind all day.  I know people do this everyday, but I am still terrified and anxious and feeling like a shitty person for leaving my child at daycare. ARGH! I hope it gets easier.

First Zoo Trip!

Today I took the little one to the national zoo.  Not only was it her first trip to the zoo it was her first time to DC and her first day trip! The day didn't start out as planned because it was raining all morning. 

One of the things I am learning about having a baby is nothing is simple anymore.  I can't just grab and go like I used to.  I now have to make sure everything is packed for her, just in case she needs something.  I no longer am able to get myself ready the way I would like to anymore.  That is probably the most frustrating part of it all.  I have no time to myself to do my hair or make up the way I would like.  And most of the time we are running late, because of last minute diaper changes and things.  This does not bode well for my future of getting to work on time.  But I guess I will have to make it work. 

Today was bittersweet for so many reasons.  It was great to spend the day with the little one doing something fun.  But I know it is one of the last weekdays Lotte and I can linger and do what we want at our own pace.  From now on I will have to rush in the mornings to get her to daycare and get to work on time.  I will miss our leisurely mornings.  Weekday holidays will now mean so much more to me then the have in the past when I was just excited not to have to work.  It was also hard because I always envisioned her first day trip to the zoo as something we would have done as a family. There were three times when it hit me that I have to start getting used to doing things just me and Lotte. 

This first incident occurred when the front wheel of her stroller FELL OFF! I heard it squeaking and was wondered if it was tightened right...it was not.  So here I am walking around when the front wheel just popped off.  Luckily I was able to tilt her back on the bottom two wheels until I could sit down to try and fix it.  Fixing a wheel while holding a baby was not easy nor fun.  Would have been a great job for a husband.

The second incident occurred when she was fussing.  I took her out to hold her which instantly calmed her down, but now I had to hold her while pushing a stroller and holding a diaper bag.  A giant diaper bag I might add, to hold all the items I had to pack for her first day trip.  Would have been amazing to have an extra set of hands.

The third and final incident occurred at the zebra enclosure.  I was holding her and a zebra got really close to the glass.  Lotte's eyes got SO BIG! It was one of the cutest things I have ever seen.  I love to watch her explore the world and discover new things.  She had a big smile on her face with her wide eyes.  It was amazing.  This was one of the things I wish someone was around to share in the joy of watching this amazing little girl. 

All in all it was a great day.  Everyday I get a little stronger and have began to work on healing my heart.  I am lucky that I get to call myself her mother and experience these fun things with her.  Although everything takes extra effort with her, it is worth it.  It is so much fun! I can't wait to see where Lotte and I go next. 

Big Girl using her stroller without the car seat attached (she is asleep in the picture, but she LOVED facing out instead of facing me haha):

 

This was probably her favorite thing, a giant mirror for her to watch herself and she loved the monkey:

Baby changes.

So someone sent me this article: http://blogs.babble.com/babble-voices/stefanie-wilder-tayler-baby-on-bored-electric-boogaloo/2012/08/25/eight-ways-becoming-a-mom-is-like-going-back-to-high-school/#books

It is how having a baby is like going back to high school.  I encourage you to read it.  It is true for the most part.  It gives eight reasons.  The reasons I can most relate to are about making new friends, staying up late and food. 

My stupid doctor keeps telling me I need to eat well balanced meals because I am breastfeeding.  Again, people who tell you that you need to eat well after having a baby, either never had a newborn or forgot what its like.  It is almost impossible to find time to cook.  And when I do, you can be sure I am only cooking one thing, not a bunch of things to make it "well balanced".  Luckily for me, I have friends and family who love to cook for me, YES!

Making new friends? SO TRUE! First let me start by saying I LOVE my friends, but I hardly have time for happy hour and all I can drink mimosa brunches anymore (although that does sound lovely right now).  Also, I have no idea what I am doing as a mom.  Every decision I make I question.  I have no idea if I am doing a good job or raising her right.  I have no idea if the things she does are normal.  I am sure her pediatrician gets sick of my calls, and I only trust google so much.  I am so lucky that I met some other new moms in the neighborhood to ask advice of or even to just text to say, hey does your daughter do this too? Every new mom should have a support group of other moms.  If you know a new mom that doesn't have as support group, send her my way.

Staying up late? If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know my middle of the night woes.  I am so annoyed I am going to start work on Monday and she still wakes up every three hours!

Clothing woes? Can definitely relate! Everything is either too big or too small, nothing fits and I'm too poor from buying millions of diapers to buy anything new to wear.

My favorite one is the "Mom Types"! There are definitely mom cliques.  Every time I am anywhere and I see a mom with a baby I know exactly what type of mom they are.  So hilarious!

A good read for any new mom and so relateable.  Reading things like this is so helpful.  It lets me know I am not alone.  I just hope I am doing the best I can for Lotte!

Baby Friends!

Today Charlotte went to the baby storytime program at the library.  Charlotte has been going since July.  They used to have it once a month so this was her third time.  Everytime we go she enjoys it more and more.  She loves to look at other babies and young kids.  She also loves all the singing and bouncing around as well as playing with new toys. 

Charlotte and I have met some wonderful mommies and babies in the neighborhood.  It has been so great getting to know them and I am thankful to have met them.  Charlotte has so much fun and so do I.  It is nice to be able to talk to others raising their babies to hear their stories and advice. 

Charlotte did great today! She has pretty much full control of her head now and loves to be a "big girl" and stand up and move around.  It is amazing how much she has grown.  The ladies at the baby program were amazed at how big she has been getting.  Plus several people have told me she is starting to look like me YAY!

I am excited that they moved it to nine thirty on Tuesday mornings.  With my work schedule I will still be able to attend most weeks.  It is so fun to watch her interact and play and I want her to continue to make friends. 

Where has time gone?

Labor day is over, summer has ended.  I can not believe that summer has ended.  This has been one of the best and hardest summers of my life.  My little Lotte will be three months old on Thursday! I can not believe that this little person has only been in the outside world for three months.  But she was in my tummy for nine months.  I can't believe this little lady has been a part of my world for a whole year!

It is crazy where I was in my life this time last year.  We found out I was pregnant in October.  It feels like yesterday though.  I actually did not believe the first test.  In fact I took eleven at home tests before going to the doctor.  I was six weeks pregnant when I first heard her heartbeat and saw her on the monitor.  My mom looked at her little bean self and said "it's going to be a girl I can tell". 

So many emotions ran through me.  I was excited, happy scared.  I was proud to be starting a family.  I didn't have the easiest pregnancy.  I was horribly sick, crazy emotional and it ended with me being induced due to preeclampsia.  But Lotte is here. I would do it all over again in a heart beat. 

Today I used her last newborn size diaper! She has moved on to size one! They are little big, but definitely doable! I did shed a little tear.  She gets bigger everyday.  Yesterday she went on a swing for the first time.  A year ago I could not even imagine pushing a baby on a swing!

I spent nine months talking to this little person inside of me, wondering what she would look like, how she would act, if she would have hair! And here she is three months old.  She is pretty as can be and such a joy to be around.  And she has finally stopped looking like George Costanza and has grown hair on top of her head. 

I spent nine months picturing what my life would be like a baby, how things would change, things we would do.  I had visions of me and Adam strolling down the beach with Lotte strapped in the baby bjorn while Dex tagged along, and of course my hair and skin would look great because of the prenatal vitamins.  First, what a lie. My "pregnancy glow" was just shiny face oil clogging my pores and I got five inches cut off of my hair because of dead ends.  Thanks for that myth.  Second, who has time to leisurely stroll when they have a newborn? Let alone make it to the beach! I still haven't had the chance to sleep for more then three hours at a time (and that's one a good night) and I have been covered in vomit, spit-up, poop and pee.  While being covered in these bodily fluids, I have also had to work on accepting that my husband no longer wants to be married. 

Clearly, this is not what I pictured at all. BUT, it is still BETTER then anything I could have imagined.  This baby has already brought me so much joy.  I love to watch her learn and grow.  Although I am sad that I used her last newborn diaper and that she is getting older and will one day hate me (as do all teenage girls) I am also so excited.  I as I pushed her on her swing yesterday I was so happy to be there for another "first".  I can't wait for her first steps, and her first time eating solid foods, her first words, her first day of school, her first dance. 

It is amazing to me that this time last year I was at the beach, with friends hoping and praying that one day I would be able to have a baby.  And now here she is, and she is amazing. 

                                      November 3rd, first time I heard her little heart beating:

 

September 2, 1st time on a swing

Moving Day

As most people know Adam has decided to leave.  I am heartbroken.  I never ever pictured life without him.  I am an adult though.  I understand heartbreak and I understand that I have to live with his decision.  I know that I need to accept things for what they are and work on moving on.  I started this blog to document what life is like with the world’s most AMAZING little human.  I envisioned looking back on the blog and reading over fond memories of family vacations and hilarious stories of Adam and me navigating the world of a baby together. 

This is the hardest part. 

My hopes and dreams for Charlotte are no more.  This is the area I am most struggling with.  I know that Adam would never up and leave Charlotte, ever.  I know that he will remain involved in her life, but I am sad that Charlotte will never get to know her dad the way she would get to know him if he was a fulltime father.  All the things I love and admire about her father I want her to get to know.  I want her to know why I chose him to be her father. 

Adam told me he was done when Charlotte was two weeks old.  Although I was devastated, it has given me time to adjust to this new life.  I have begun to develop new hopes and dreams for Charlotte.  Although this is not my choice, it is a new beginning for me and Lotte and I hope that I can give her the amazing life that she deserves.  I never thought I could love another human being the way I love this baby and I want her to have the best life possible and am working on remaining calm and strong for her. I have had so much amazing support from family and friends, that I know we will be ok. Thank you to everyone for the late night phone calls, the kind words, and too all those that made me meals so that I continued to eat: you really do know the way to my heart ;)

On a positive note I just passed my test and am now an LCSW-C, which means I’m fresh full of information, including the stages of grief and loss.  I thought I kept fluctuating between the anger and depression stage and was almost to the acceptance phase, but today I realized I was in denial.  I think deep down I didn’t actually think my life would be changing like it has.  But Adam and Dexter moved out today.  It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced and the worst pain I have ever felt.  Today was ridiculously hard and gets harder and harder for me as I stare at Adams empty closet or the weird spot on the floor where Dexter’s food bowls used to be.

 I have to keep moving forward and looking towards the future.  Although right now I feel helpless and unsure of myself, I know in my heart that I am a strong, smart, independent person.  I have been told those things my whole life and I was never sure why, but now I know that everything I have learned, every time I had to work on being strong was preparing me for this curveball I didn’t see coming.  I know that I will be able to be the BEST mom possible.  I will do whatever it takes to give her everything she needs, wants and deserves and I can’t wait to watch her grow into a strong woman herself.  I also know that when I am lacking in things, I have my family and friends to help me through.  So many people love Charlotte and me it is overwhelming and it couldn’t make me happier.

So if anyone is still reading this far I will wrap it up.  While going through hard times it is helpful for me to write about them.  So although this blog was intended to document OUR life with Charlotte, it is going to be a diary of a single mom navigating the world with a baby.   I debated upon whether doing a blog post regarding the separation and Adam’s choice to leave, but writing has been so cathartic to me.  Plus my current “life with Charlotte” is just that, just me and Charlotte for now.  I can’t wait to continue updating all of you with the amazing tales of Charlotte and our life together.  I know that there will be hard times in the future, but I also know that there will be many amazing adventures and I can’t wait.  Our future is bright J