Moving Day

As most people know Adam has decided to leave.  I am heartbroken.  I never ever pictured life without him.  I am an adult though.  I understand heartbreak and I understand that I have to live with his decision.  I know that I need to accept things for what they are and work on moving on.  I started this blog to document what life is like with the world’s most AMAZING little human.  I envisioned looking back on the blog and reading over fond memories of family vacations and hilarious stories of Adam and me navigating the world of a baby together. 

This is the hardest part. 

My hopes and dreams for Charlotte are no more.  This is the area I am most struggling with.  I know that Adam would never up and leave Charlotte, ever.  I know that he will remain involved in her life, but I am sad that Charlotte will never get to know her dad the way she would get to know him if he was a fulltime father.  All the things I love and admire about her father I want her to get to know.  I want her to know why I chose him to be her father. 

Adam told me he was done when Charlotte was two weeks old.  Although I was devastated, it has given me time to adjust to this new life.  I have begun to develop new hopes and dreams for Charlotte.  Although this is not my choice, it is a new beginning for me and Lotte and I hope that I can give her the amazing life that she deserves.  I never thought I could love another human being the way I love this baby and I want her to have the best life possible and am working on remaining calm and strong for her. I have had so much amazing support from family and friends, that I know we will be ok. Thank you to everyone for the late night phone calls, the kind words, and too all those that made me meals so that I continued to eat: you really do know the way to my heart ;)

On a positive note I just passed my test and am now an LCSW-C, which means I’m fresh full of information, including the stages of grief and loss.  I thought I kept fluctuating between the anger and depression stage and was almost to the acceptance phase, but today I realized I was in denial.  I think deep down I didn’t actually think my life would be changing like it has.  But Adam and Dexter moved out today.  It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced and the worst pain I have ever felt.  Today was ridiculously hard and gets harder and harder for me as I stare at Adams empty closet or the weird spot on the floor where Dexter’s food bowls used to be.

 I have to keep moving forward and looking towards the future.  Although right now I feel helpless and unsure of myself, I know in my heart that I am a strong, smart, independent person.  I have been told those things my whole life and I was never sure why, but now I know that everything I have learned, every time I had to work on being strong was preparing me for this curveball I didn’t see coming.  I know that I will be able to be the BEST mom possible.  I will do whatever it takes to give her everything she needs, wants and deserves and I can’t wait to watch her grow into a strong woman herself.  I also know that when I am lacking in things, I have my family and friends to help me through.  So many people love Charlotte and me it is overwhelming and it couldn’t make me happier.

So if anyone is still reading this far I will wrap it up.  While going through hard times it is helpful for me to write about them.  So although this blog was intended to document OUR life with Charlotte, it is going to be a diary of a single mom navigating the world with a baby.   I debated upon whether doing a blog post regarding the separation and Adam’s choice to leave, but writing has been so cathartic to me.  Plus my current “life with Charlotte” is just that, just me and Charlotte for now.  I can’t wait to continue updating all of you with the amazing tales of Charlotte and our life together.  I know that there will be hard times in the future, but I also know that there will be many amazing adventures and I can’t wait.  Our future is bright J