January 19th 2012. On January 19th, I went to the doctors. It was the first appointment Adam was able to come to, and the first time he heard her heartbeat. I had heard it so many times before, but every time I heard it, it felt like the first time all over again. It was on January 19th that the doctor looked at the ultrasound and turned to us and asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. OF COURSE WE DID! I had so much planning to do! He told us it was going to be a girl, he said he was 100% sure. January 19th 2012 is a day I will never, ever forget.
June 14th 2012. This is the day I got to meet the most amazing little person, Charlotte June. She was upside down and 5lbs 6.8 ounces. This day changed my life forever in the best way I could ever imagine. I will always remember this day. It was also my fourth wedding anniversary, and the last wedding anniversary I will ever celebrate with Adam. Every year I will celebrate Charlotte's birthday on this day, but every year my heart will ache on this day as well. I hope that as the years pass the joy will be the feeling I feel the most, and that the ache will be so small I will hardly notice it. I will never forget the day she was born. I will never forget how happy I was when I saw her. She was the most amazing beautiful little thing. It is so hard to describe how you feel the first time you get to meet this little person inside of you for nine months, but it really is the most awesome feeling I have ever had.
September 1st 2012. This is the day Adam moved out. This was probably the hardest day of my life. Two weeks after Lotte was born Adam told me he no longer loved me and a divorce. I think at that point I convinced myself, it was the major life change that shook him, and that we would work it out and be a family like I had always envisioned. I mean a two week old, who is having trouble eating and sleeping (the main functions of a two week old) and a wife who had an unexpected CSection and could barely walk, would be hard on anyone. When I said I do, I thought it was going to be in it for the long haul, in sickness and in health and for better or worse, and all that. I was prepared to weather any storm. This was so hard, and still is hard, for me to come to terms with. After looking for an apartment for a long time, my husband and my dog moved out. I never felt so alone in my entire life and I had no idea how I would ever survive. Here it is 2013, and although my heart still aches everyday, for what I had and what could have been, I have not only survived, but I have thrived.
December 28th 2012. My last day at my very first big girl job. I haven't blogged much about my job change, so if there are any faithful blog readers out there, you may not know! I started a new job! I am now working at a school. I will have things like spring and winter break, and the best part? I am a tenth month employee, so summer vacation with my little girl! No on call and no nights! Ok, more on this later, back to December 28th. You know another day I have never forgotten? May 26th 2009. My very first day at my very first big girl job. It was a horrific day. I failed this stupid thing called CANS and thought I would be fired. I made NO friends and thought everyone was a snotty jerk. HOW WRONG I WAS. I have learned so much from this job. SO SO MUCH! I learned so much about myself as a clinician and as a person. I became a great clinician and a better person. The people I met there are some of the most amazing people I have ever met. Remember how I hated September 1st? Well two of my faves from work came over, they brought me a campfire and smores and just sat with me, so I wasn't alone. It is something I will never forget. Anyway, back to December 28th. In true Jessica fashion, I didn't pack up my office at all until that day. I went in early and spent two hours packing up my work life. then I just sat in my office. I sat there and looked around. It was the first big girl office I ever had. I loved that office. I then poured myself into my work and pretended it was a normal day. I hugged everyone and promised to stay in touch. Then, I cried all the way home. Then cried some more at my mom's when I picked up the baby. I will never ever forget my first job and the amazing people I worked with and the friends that became my amazing work family.
And there it is! Just a few of the life changing events from 2012. And now, here it is 2013! 2013!!! Everyone keeps saying new year, new you. I like me though. I just want to improve me. 2012 was basically just full of life changing events. There is no way I could have ever imagined all of these things happening to me. In 2011, about this time, if you asked me where I would be in 2013, I never would have ever guessed this is what life would be like. Honestly, I loved Charlotte then, but my love completely changed once I met her. I never even IMAGINED that I could love someone this way.
Seriously you guys, it's weird. If any first time pregnant people are reading this, if you think you love your baby, you probably do, but when you meet that baby, it is different, your whole life and attitude about things will change.
I was talking to someone about making a spare room into a playroom for Lotte, and they said "well as long as you have your closet" (for those of you that don't know, my third bedroom is a closet...don't judge). But I am getting rid of my closet! For Charlotte! It is crazy. I loved that closet, but who has time to enjoy getting dressed and doing their hair and makeup anymore? Not me, my priorities have changed.
Remember when I said it was weird how much I loved her when I met her? Well it is also weird how much she has changed me. I am not the same person I was on June 13th. June 14th has changed me forever. I am a completely different person then I used to be. It's hard to believe, but it is true. I mean, I am still awesome, pretty and hilarious, but a lot about me has changed.
So what does 2013 hold for me? WHO KNOWS! That is kind of the fun part! One of my best friends, Pamela, said to me "it is amazing what a difference a year makes". Give me a year kids, see what I post next year when it is 2014. I imagine I will be in a completely different place emotionally and spiritually. One thing that will not change? My love for this little girl. Throughout my whole life, people have said negative things about me (some of them true, some of the people were just jerks though), but no one will ever be able to say I am a bad mother or that I don't love Charlotte. I know that I am by no means perfect, but I am so proud of what a great mom I am turning out to be.
My new motto through life is, each day just do the best that you can do, and whatever happens, happens. Because if 2012 has taught me anything, life can throw you curveballs. Good curveballs and bad curveballs. And even though in 2012, I had one terrible curveball, read the rest of those dates, it turns out, it was pretty kickass year me :). Anyway, my new years resolution is to go to bed proud of what I did each day and to not sweat the small things. If something doesn't work out, it doesn't, if it does, great :)
Remember how I said I didnt just survive, I thrived? Well, I only was able to do that with the help of my friends and family. . I am fortunate enough to have had one of the most amazing people I have ever met move in with me, which means Lotte and I can afford this house on our own. She gets to stay in her nursery and a great neighborhood. And I? I get to live with someone who is awesome and has seen me cry, throw temper tantrums, be messy and still chooses to not just live here, but also be my friend. It has made this time much less lonely. In 2012, I also met some amazing women in the neighborhood with babies around Charlotte's age. They have made me feel so included and special, it has been great. It is also great that I have friends with babies so I don't feel alone in this baby world as a first time parent haha. My mom and sister have been so great in helping me through, but I talk about GG alot. My other friends have all been amazing as well. I think one of the things that have helped me more then anything and that I will always hold on to, is that one of my friends said to me"you are loved by so many others Jessica". It really meant the world to me, and gets me through my darkest hours.
Like I said, 2012 had some really sucky things in it, but overall I learned that I am truly loved but so many, and I got to meet my little girl. So far 2013 is off to a great start! I have a new job, that I think I am really going to like and have a ton of fun things planned in the near future. I also am going to be signing Lotts up for swim classes so I have that to look forward to as well.
Like Pamela said, a year makes a world of difference. I can't wait to see what 2013 holds for me and Charlotte. Remember, do the best you can every day and don't sweat the small stuff. That's our motto this year, I am learning to let go. Like I always say, our future is bright (seriously you guys it is, you better put yo shades on)
How will you make it on your own?
This world is awfully big, girl this time you're all alone
But it's time you started living
It's time you let someone else do some giving
Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all
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