Confessions of a single mom

Here it is. Almost five am and I've been up since three. Charlotte is back to sleep as of fifteen minutes ago but my alarm for the day will be going off in about fifteen minutes so I'm just laying in bed resting.

I've learned the hardest part of being on your own is the middle of the night. It is the most lonely and the most trying of your patience!

I remember thinking when Adam left that it was on that he didn't love me, it was ok that he was dating new people, it was ok he was moving on, but what wasn't ok. (And this is just by my own standards of ok because i take things very personally lol) was the timing.

At that time I had my two week old in my arms and felt more alone then ever! I don't know how many blog readers out there have given birth, esp by csection, but if you have you know it changes you and you have so many crazy emotions lol! Your hormones are up and down your body is physically worn out and if its your first baby you have no idea what your doing and it's scary! What I couldn't understand is why Adam would want to leave me when I needed him the most!

That's the hardest part about being a single mom. I have no one to support me emotionally. I put everything I have into raising my baby girl, but no one there to support me while I do it.

Wait. That's not true. I have family and I have friends, but at 3:30 in the morning I still feel very alone sometimes.

I have some complications from the csection and some other current health problems I'm dealing with (nothing too serious don't worry!!)

Lotte was kind of fussy tonight and wouldn't go to sleep until about midnight or so, and then at three am I woke up in excruciating pain.

Of course crawling out of bed and downstairs to get my meds woke this kid up...I swear I could play an air horn and she wouldn't wake up, but she hears something happening downstairs without her and she's up like a flash!

So here I am at three thirty throwing up and in pain, but also feeding lots at the same time.

In times like these it is the only time I feel like i NEED help. And these times are rare. Other times help is appreciated but not necessary, not to toot my own horn too much but I'm a fucking great mom. But at three am when I have to crawl to my bed bc of the pain and hold lots while I do it, I feel alone and incapable. Two things I hate.

Sometimes in the middle of the night it would be nice to be able to tell someone else to get out of the warm bed to go make a bottle or just to have some there to hold your hand or tell you you did a good job. But c'est la vie!

The moment is fleeting and soon daylight will be here and I will be fine. Blogging helps. I love when ppl let me know they read it or liked a particular post. It makes me feel better to write and I love to share my journey.

Charlotte is amazing! She is growing well and is a happy and healthy little love bug! Honestly what more could I ask for!?! As for me I have learned that I am stronger then I ever thought possible! The middle of the night is hard, but the days are so wonderful and rewarding it makes it worth it.

There are things that happen to us that we don't expect and when that curve ball hits you, you can lay there crying and never get up or you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with life! Or you can do what I do, blog about how much it sucks, then pick yourself up lol it's true though, I have a roof over mine and lottes head, I can afford baby formula, baby food, baby clothes and diapers. I can even afford to feed myself, lotte and I so get to do so many fun things! I am wayyyyy luckier then most and for that I will always be thankful.

I know that by noon I will have forgotten all about this and have moved on, but the middle if the night is the hardest part about being a single mom.